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Hawaiians love PornHub!

Hawaiians love PornHub!

Un, two, threePorn traffic goes parabolic in the wake of Hawaii’s false alarm.
Hawaiians flock to Pornhub in droves after false doomsday threat.

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Following last week’s erroneous nuclear missile alert — an accident that sent flocks of people fleeing restaurants, stores and schools in a hysterical rush — millions of fidgety Hawaiians took to Pornhub.com to ease their existential angst.

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In the minutes after the mistaken missile alert was sent out at 8:07am, traffic plunged by -77% and porn aficionados tapered bigly. “Based on real-time, per-minute page-views, and compared to the previous two Saturdays, our statisticians found a precipitous drop in traffic at 8:07am immediately after the warning was sent out. By 8:23am, traffic was a massive -77% below that of a typical Saturday,” Pornhub data scientists told VIVISXN.

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The porn platform hit its nadir immediately after the local government issued the ill-fated warning. However, around twenty minutes later, the number of viewers started streaming porn vids in record volumes, when citizens were informed that the nuclear threat was in fact a false alarm. In the wake of the cancelled alert, traffic from Hawaii went parabolic. By 8:50am, visitor volume had ticked-up insanely — “by +50% above normal levels,” said the platform.

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“Traffic began to return to normal levels and Hawaiians collectively breathed a sigh of relief,” Pornhub said. “Those seeking further relief (‘release’) headed back to the site where page views surged +51% above average levels at 9:01am.” Asian girls” became the most popular search term from Hawaiian hornballs, while “hentai” got record search queries via the site, Pornhub‘s data indicated. And our favorite vixen of all, Asa Akira (below), topped the search list, of course. We love you, Asa! Doiiiiiiiiinnnnnggggggg!

VIVISXN MEDIA | VIVISXN lives on Blockchain Technology and leverages Machine Learning, Pattern Recognition, Multilayer Neural Networks, Tensorflow for Trend Forecasting, KERAS for deep learning, AlphaGo and Predictive Analytics. | A comprehensive compendium of coolness, nowness, cutting-edge news, global affairs and crazy shit | VIVISXN specializes in cutting-edge trend forecasting and predictive analytics for art and fashion using ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE and RECURSIVE NEURAL NETWORKS in TensorFlow | Tech | Underground | Food | Music | News | The Deep Web | Film | Postmodern Art | VIVISXN Python and TensorFlow, Deep Learning, AI and Recursive Neural Networks for Fashion and ART forecasting | A comprehensive compendium of coolness, nowness, cutting-edge news, global affairs and crazy shit - VIVISXN MEDIA LLC | VIVISXN Tech Trends | VIVISXN partners with DIS MAG, Vice, Dazed, Google’s DeepMind, The Economist, The FT, Bloomberg Professional Service, R Studio and Python. VIVISXN is FUTURISM! VIVISXN Mag - Asa Akira is our favorite film star. Asa Akira is Hawaii’s most-hyped up, sought-after fetish girl in the face of North Korean nuclear threat.

This article was generated by VIVISXN’s proprietary AI Thought Bot®

Images via Whatever Media + Asa Akira

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